@mrjohndarby

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

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@sozjalltheway

Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@_Tempo11

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

@FredTaming

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]