Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no
So you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
waiter: can i show you to the table
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]