me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*