I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.