me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.