@JediGigi

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

You Might Also Like

@senderblock23

If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

@JediGigi

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.

@MotleyTheMutt

Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.

@SteveSuckington

If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

@thenashleysays

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

@Ygrene

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

@UnFitz

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.