Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?



Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

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If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.


Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.


Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.


Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.


If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*


the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”


Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.