If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.
You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.
That is all. Send.
If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I just licked guacamole off my elbow.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.