ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
#NoRestForTheWicked
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away