@KalvinMacleod

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

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@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@perfect_messs

[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@Kids_kubed

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

@carlyken

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

@onefatman

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

@gerryhallcomedy

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

@MindPassionate

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.