Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “