Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes