Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦