why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!” – aaaaaaaaand hospital.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.
I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag
*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*