[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
😂 I’m dying over here
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*
Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice