me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

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[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok


[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?


Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.


Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.


How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler


*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?


Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice