@dadmann_walking

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

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@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

@wendchymes

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

@AristotlesNZ

Him: “What kinda chameleon do you have?”

Me: Karma

“Karma?”

Karma

“Karma..”

Karma chameleon

“How long you had him?”

He comes & goes..

@UnFitz

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

@alliejane_508

I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.

@PaperWash

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@DammitLarry1

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.