RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Him: “What kinda chameleon do you have?”
“How long you had him?”
He comes & goes..
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.