me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.