@dadmann_walking

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

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@ClassOf20l6

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@Boleyngirly

I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.

@BlindChow

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

@KMoFlo_official

I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.

@Bagyants

I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag

@mattsurely

*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*