Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

bro what is going on at twitter

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I’d love this…lol

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher