That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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Legalize Marijuana and Criminalize Karaoke.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
me: what if music w
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch