Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive


“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”


Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?


My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.


date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*


*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*


No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch