@roxiqt

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

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@filth_waste

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

@AIMMadellynne

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers..

If you do find one…

What’s your plan?

@jasonlight73

After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

@MyNameIsArchaic

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

@davidkenny100

“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

@MichaelLarrick

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

@BrettDruck

Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.