how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers..
If you do find one…
What’s your plan?
After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.