Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

selena gomez

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.