HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.
But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .