me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

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Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*


date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha


[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me



GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*


My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school.

I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!


I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.


I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.


I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.


[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.