@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

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@_Tempo11

HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers

@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

@LurkAtHomeMom

You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?

@beefman138

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

@MichaelTrying

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

@jonnysun

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

@MomOfTeen

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .