Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school.
I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.
She really caught my Fancy.
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.