me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.