Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
You Might Also Like
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
A short story of betrayal:
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point