Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You Might Also Like
[Dating week 1]
Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha
[Dating week 4]
Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me
Me: I have a date tonight.
Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.
Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“I don’t want you to freak out, but…” – someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works