@XplodingUnicorn

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

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@SimplySnaccbar

[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me

@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….

@Dustinkcouch

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@DirtMcTurd

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

@AlmightyBored

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

@TinyWriterLaura

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@RorynotRoy

“I don’t want you to freak out, but…” – someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works