Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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*watches the world burn*
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
why isn’t he texting back
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Is this you?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.