me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
i’m sure it’s fine
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up