[at Timmy’s funeral]
Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Willy Wonka: what
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
finally found a reasonable question
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo