ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.