ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
You Might Also Like
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“No way.” -Jose
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.