@mrtiredeyes

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

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@LaceyNycole

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

@AndyAsAdjective

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

@Quadricycle

*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec

@KMoFlo_official

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*