me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
You Might Also Like
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.