Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*


My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.


Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.


If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.


[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”


No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately


Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading


Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.