Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?