@HenpeckedHal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

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@shesananteater

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@elle91

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@squirrel74wkgn

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

@BlindChow

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

@Reverend_Scott

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

@LlamaInaTux

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

@jazmasta

“David you’re late again!”
“Sorry boss..”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
“…traffic”

@sincir3000

Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.