@HenpeckedHal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

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@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.

@alyssawolff

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

@JediGigi

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

@man_spach

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

@jellybnbonanza

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@cdncyn

I got thrown out of the zoo today….

apparently you’re not allowed to feed the ducks…..

to the alligators……..

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.