You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“David you’re late again!”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.