Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.