me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Breaking news:
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*