Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
You Might Also Like
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My last name is Zilla.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.