ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.

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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank


Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago


ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means


I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.


Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying


Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.

This cheese is delicious.


vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh


Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*