@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

You Might Also Like

@DOGGEAUX

when you try to move in a video game but you accidentalyl have the chat box open

@karencheee

Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.

@deadstick_ron

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

@karanbirtinna

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

@BucMarvin

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

@skickwriter

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@kyry5

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

@AmishPornStar1

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?