ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E