I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Hey girl, how ’bout some head?
– Henry VIII
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me