@SvnSxty

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

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@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

@notmythirdrodeo

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

@ComedicBust

“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.

@mxmclain

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

@johnistoasted

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all