Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.