Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought

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Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection


It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.


Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.


I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.


The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.


Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!


all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.