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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
cause of death:
autopsy.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.