@Playing_Dad

Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought

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@titanmoon10

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

@JasonLastname

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

@AmericanGent69

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

@Eden_Eats

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

@hollyberryness

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

@drayzze

Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!

@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.