@Daveastated

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

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@ChrisFredGreen

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

@Bob_Janke

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

@iGreenGod

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

@SortaBad

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

@KimmyMonte

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

@trentistweeting

[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low

@The_Albinoshrek

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?