Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.


The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.


It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.


I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.


The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.


Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags


Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’


I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.


Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.