Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind