Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: Not today Satan.
Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
me: hey siri who shot jfk
siri: lee harvey oswald
me: really, i thought it was the cia
siri: *whispers* turn alexa off
BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?