@sassycupcake20

Me: Not today Satan.

Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.
🙃🧁

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@thepunningman

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

@daddydoubts

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@GrantTanaka

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

@funflaps

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

@TweetPotato314

me: hey siri who shot jfk

siri: lee harvey oswald

me: really, i thought it was the cia

siri: *whispers* turn alexa off

@Integrity_Guy

BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.

@DadandBuried

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

@Merman_Melville

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?