Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You Might Also Like
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“How’s your day going?”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.