Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You Might Also Like
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Beware of the dog..