Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I have obtained a hat
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH