Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send