Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon


me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good


The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.


With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?


reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please


Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.


I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.


I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”


i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards