Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LlamaInaTux

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

@ObscureGent

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

@BoomBoomBetty

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

@SketchesbyBoze

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

@Jandalize

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

@nedostup

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

@PrettyInCamo11

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards