Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
inventing words: clothing
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”