@murrman5

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

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@ieatanddrink

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

@huntigula

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

@shot_of_cabo

Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.

@TheNextMartha

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@funnyordie

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.