@murrman5

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

You Might Also Like

@AlexvanBeek

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

@ashmensch

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

@FredTaming

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@notfaizzy

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

@GoldenSpirals

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.