When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
me: you know, no dressing.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.