My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.