Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college


My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.


Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.


Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.


I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.


My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.



Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”


Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.


According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was