@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

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@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@Social_Mime

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

@lukejarret

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

@Cycloptomese

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

@shiksaaa

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.

Awkward.

@Marlebean

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

@tsm560

Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.

@VerifiedJayy

According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was