*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Me: i wish for $20 then
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?