Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”


Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.


Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying


[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread


What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?


#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F


When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies


[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’


It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.


CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.