Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today