Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts