Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.


Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”


(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)



Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman


Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.


[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit


PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back


I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.


If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”