Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Waiting for the Charmin
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
worst…sale…ever
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!