My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
this is 10/10 content no notes
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!