Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
FINE, I WON’T.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.