Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit