Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.