@BigJDubz

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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@Sanbel11

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@ArfMeasures

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

@stevevsninjas

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@revenge_tanukis

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

@LoneWolfStories

Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.

@smithsara79

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

@pplwtching

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@jergarl

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K