@BigJDubz

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

@cravin4

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@MUMSIEesq

My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

@adult_mom

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@SvnSxty

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag