Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Monday
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!