Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose