Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.