me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Dead sexy!!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING